My Writing · thoughts

Why I Write

In honor of today being National Writing Day, I thought I’d share why I write.

I write because I have to. For me, writing is as necessary as breathing. It’s how I process life; it’s how I handle the crazy, wild emotions that come with being a teenager. When I’m able to lay my thoughts and feelings on a page, the weight they once laid on my shoulders disintegrates. Writing allows me to breathe and gives me a way to heal.

I write because the characters within me deserve a voice. Since I was little, I’ve had characters and storylines dancing in my head, and when I was six years old I decided it was time to set them free. I wrote my first story about the friendship between two horses (I was little) and I haven’t looked back. For a time, I wrote stories using the characters from my favorite books, but now, my characters are all my own. Often, they- and the storylines I pen- are based off of my own life, and to me, there’s nothing better than turning a fragment of my life into fiction. Usually the inspiration comes from a situation I’ve been through or a person who has touched my heart, and on the occasions when it’s the former, I feel like I’ve put a message in a bottle: “You thought nothing of this, but I did. I appreciated it. I was touched. It meant more to me than you know, and I wanted to tell you that.”

I write to tell my story. In the past few years, I’ve realized just how powerful sharing my story can be, and if I’m ever asked to speak, I write out what I want to say. I feel like I make more sense when I write than when I talk, and I think I can leave a bigger impact on an audience if I’ve been able to write out what I’m saying beforehand. Sharing my story is a big part of why I’ve started blogging: because I want to show what life with cerebral palsy is really like, and also to show that while I may have a disability, I experience life the same way everyone else does.

I write to say things I otherwise wouldn’t be able to say otherwise. I can’t count how many times words have burned in the back of my throat, but fear has kept them in. To fight that fear, I pick up a pen and write every word I wish I could say in person. Then, I can say what I need to say without fear of what the other person will think, and more than once, doing that has given me the courage to actually say the words in person.

I write to overcome my limitations. When I write, I can walk, I can run, I can play sports, I can dance. When I write, anything my disability prevents me from doing is possible. I write to be free, and that freedom is unlike anything else.

 

Tell me: why do you write?

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My Writing

WordPress Daily Post: Brave

You, beautiful girl, are brave.

You are brave

Because of the battles you fight,

So positively and courageously

Where many would fold,

Break,

And fall apart,

You smile.

You smile and shine

Like the brightest rays of sun

You shine

Unlike anyone else I’ve ever met

Despite the fact

That you are miles away

I still feel your light

And your love.

You are all around me,

You protect me,

You guide me,

You make me smile.

You taught me what life is really about:

Loving one another,

And smiling,

No matter how much it hurts

Or how hard things get.

Because that’s what you did

So beautifully

So courageously

So

Completely.

Dedicated with love to my friend Kate.

My Writing

The Colors Within Me

I wish you could see the colors within me.

Gray is for the exhaustion that just won’t leave. It’s a weight on my shoulders; it’s an anchor pulling me down. It’s chains that I can’t shake; it’s a cloud hovering above me.

Navy blue is for the confusion, the cyclone of misunderstanding swirling within me. I don’t know what’s wrong; I have no idea what’s going on. Let me in- I promise not to hurt you. I just want to help. That’s all. I want to be there for you. I can shoulder some of the weight you’re carrying. I can. I promise.

Dark blue is for the glow of excitement growing inside. It’s almost here, it’s almost here. Ten days until the journey begins; ten days until we get to play again. It’s going to be a good one- I can feel it. Play your hearts out and do your best; know I believe in you and God will work out the rest.

Gold is the freedom I feel as I take a few steps with the crutches on my own. It’s like a ray of light soaring through me; for once I’ve won and my disability doesn’t control me. That moment shows me that my goal is attainable and I’m stronger than I believe; sometimes you just have to trust and dream impossible dreams.

Red is the way my heart swells whenever he crosses my mind. He treats me like I’m his daughter; he makes me feel loved, special, unique. He goes out of his way to make me smile; his texts are a ray of sunshine. No matter what’s going on around us, he takes time to talk and wrap me in a tight hug- I just wish the rest of the world could see his golden heart.

Purple is the joy I feel whenever I think about that night. It’s going to help so many people; it will help them brighten so many lives. They mean the world to me. They fill my life with love, laughter and joy, and I hope they realize I do this because it’s something I love and something I enjoy.

You see, I’m not just one color but a combination of many, and though I try, I don’t always feel sunny. I weather storms, I burn, I break. But the truth is, you can’t be a rainbow without walking through a little rain.

My Writing

They Stand Ready: A Poem

Angels are around you,

You are not alone

They stand ready

To protect you when storms come,

They stand ready

To wrap you in their wings when you come undone

They carry a shield of light,

And as you walk up a mountain,

With you they’ll climb

You think you’re in the midst of an impossible battle

What you don’t know is

You’re not alone in the fight

They stand ready

To protect you

To hold you

To love you

They stand ready

They’re always on guard

They surround you on all sides

And are always in your heart

Cerebral Palsy · My Writing

The Reality of Cerebral Palsy

I wrote this yesterday, and I've debated on whether or not to share this ever since. It's not quite as positive or uplifting as some of my other posts, but it's real. This is honesty and vulnerability in its purest form, and while my goal is to be positive and encouraging, I want to be honest and truly show what having a disability is like. I penned this after I had to do something in a different way than everyone else, and I was embarrassed because of it. The stares that came my way made me feel vulnerable in a painful way, and the gratitude I felt when a friend of mine unknowingly made that pain disappear. Please let me know what you think in the comments!

Something changes in the moments when I feel defined by my disability.

Knots form in my stomach, and self consciousness tightens my muscles, making an already difficult task even harder. I become acutely aware of every single sound, every single movement, every single voice in the room as I struggle to breathe through the pain that has overtaken me: Please don't stare at me. Please don't think any differently of me. Please understand. Please. Please.

I'm cloaked in uncomfort and drowning in embarrassment. I'm sorry I can't do this on my own. I'm sorry this is so difficult. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I'm crying out, but the pain is so intense I can't say a thing. I can't even make my lips form a prayer to call on the one person who could possibly ease my nerves. Look into my eyes. Don't you see how this affects me? Can't you tell that I don't want to do this?

I long to be normal. I long to be able to complete every day tasks with ease, to be able to live without being bound by ropes that were tied without my permission. In this moment, trapped by an ocean of pain, I can't even remember that I was dealt this deck of cards for a reason. I can't do anything, other than try to soothe the monster that won't be tamed.

But just as it becomes too much, just as the ocean overtakes me, you reach in and pull me out. Your smile is my raft; I float upon your kindness. Please keep talking. Please make this go away.

Your voice untangles my ropes, and I'm able to rub the redness from my wrists. As our words flow, the monster disappears and I become Robyn again. Your stories are the dam that stops the rushing adrenaline, your laughter is the salve that relaxes my clenched muscles. You comfort me, you calm me, you revive me. Without knowing it, you've put me back together, and all at once, I can breathe again.

My Writing

A New Writing Project

I posted Friday about the first day of my senior year, and yesterday, I decided that a goal of mine this year will be to work on and complete a story I just began by the day I graduate.

I might’ve mentioned it, but for a few years now I’ve been working on a novel, whose storyline and characters are near and dear to my heart. In fact, I’ve worked with them for so long and poured so much of my life into their story that they’ve become a part of me. Even as I embark on this new writing journey and begin the process of getting to know my new characters, I’ll continue working with them. I need to tell their story like I need air to breathe and water to survive.

But at the same time, I need new themes. There are aspects of my life that need to be laid in ink, and they won’t fit into my book. Independence and strength are two of my major focuses right now, and I want-I need– to write something with those two things as the focal points. My goal this school year is to grow and become stronger, and I need to do those things as a writer, too. This story will allow me to do that, as it’s so different from anything else I’ve written before.

I love the thrill of a new beginning. I love the fire that a new idea brings, and I’m excited to learn about these characters and get to know them. I can’t wait to see how my life will seep onto its pages and into its characters, because it always does. It’s inevitable, and often, the aspects from my life shape what my stories become.

I can’t wait to delve into this project and get to watch my characters grow and develop, and I’m beyond excited to share this journey with you.