Underestimated

Well. A week in and I’ve already missed two posting dates. That’s an auspicious start, isn’t it?

For tonight’s post, I thought I would share something I wrote about overcoming people’s perceptions of my cerebral palsy and consequently, the ability I have to do things. As you’ll be able to see, I don’t like being told I can’t do something. This is entitled “Underestimated.” Please let me know what you think in the comments!

I’m done with being underestimated.

I’m sick of people saying, “You can’t do this. You aren’t strong enough. You’re not ready.” For years, I have listened to this. For years I have been weak, and unable, and not what they want. Well, you know what?

I’m done.

I’m done with being told where to go, what to do, and how to do it. Let me make one thing clear:

I may have a disability, but I am not my disability.

Do you hear me?

I have cerebral palsy.

I have a walker.

I have braces.

But I am not those things.

I am strong.

I am the girl who endured three weeks in a hospital, who put up with needles, who was hit with a shock of pain every time she took a breath for days. I did that.

I am brave.

I am the girl who said, “I know it will hurt. Do it. It will be worth it.” I am the girl who stood in front of a crowd and poured out my heart. I am the girl who let go of my walker and stood, despite the fact that I was scared to death. I did that.

I am ambitious. I am the girl who let my walls down and showed him my heart. I am the girl who stood in front of a table and answered every single question they asked. I did that.

I did all of those things. I did them and I have accomplished the things I have because of who I am. Do you hear me? Those things happened because I am Robyn and because God is good, and for no other reason.

Oh. And one more thing. Don’t you dare tell me I don’t have what it takes to live my dreams. Don’t you dare say I’m better off stuck at home sitting behind a computer. Don’t you dare say I can’t do it. Because let me tell you one more thing I do: I prove people wrong.

She thought I couldn’t handle that day. I walked every step of that parade. I pushed through the pain and worked through the exhaustion. I did it.

She said I wouldn’t be walking for two months. I was back in my walker and getting around after three weeks. Despite the fact that it felt like knives were being pushed in my back and I could barely balance, I walked.

They thought I wouldn’t live. They told my parents I wasn’t going to make it and if I did, they said I wouldn’t talk, I wouldn’t walk, I wouldn’t think… they said I wouldn’t be what I am today, which is a strong, intelligent, beautiful young woman who has the potential to do whatever she wants to do.

If you only remember one thing I’ve said, remember this: I will live my dreams. Don’t you dare forget that.

The Reality of Cerebral Palsy

I wrote this yesterday, and I've debated on whether or not to share this ever since. It's not quite as positive or uplifting as some of my other posts, but it's real. This is honesty and vulnerability in its purest form, and while my goal is to be positive and encouraging, I want to be honest and truly show what having a disability is like. I penned this after I had to do something in a different way than everyone else, and I was embarrassed because of it. The stares that came my way made me feel vulnerable in a painful way, and the gratitude I felt when a friend of mine unknowingly made that pain disappear. Please let me know what you think in the comments!

Something changes in the moments when I feel defined by my disability.

Knots form in my stomach, and self consciousness tightens my muscles, making an already difficult task even harder. I become acutely aware of every single sound, every single movement, every single voice in the room as I struggle to breathe through the pain that has overtaken me: Please don't stare at me. Please don't think any differently of me. Please understand. Please. Please.

I'm cloaked in uncomfort and drowning in embarrassment. I'm sorry I can't do this on my own. I'm sorry this is so difficult. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I'm crying out, but the pain is so intense I can't say a thing. I can't even make my lips form a prayer to call on the one person who could possibly ease my nerves. Look into my eyes. Don't you see how this affects me? Can't you tell that I don't want to do this?

I long to be normal. I long to be able to complete every day tasks with ease, to be able to live without being bound by ropes that were tied without my permission. In this moment, trapped by an ocean of pain, I can't even remember that I was dealt this deck of cards for a reason. I can't do anything, other than try to soothe the monster that won't be tamed.

But just as it becomes too much, just as the ocean overtakes me, you reach in and pull me out. Your smile is my raft; I float upon your kindness. Please keep talking. Please make this go away.

Your voice untangles my ropes, and I'm able to rub the redness from my wrists. As our words flow, the monster disappears and I become Robyn again. Your stories are the dam that stops the rushing adrenaline, your laughter is the salve that relaxes my clenched muscles. You comfort me, you calm me, you revive me. Without knowing it, you've put me back together, and all at once, I can breathe again.

The Vow

She was tired of not feeling good enough.

So many times in the last week, she'd felt weak, tired, and exhausted. She couldn't count how many times she'd wondered if she'd said the right thing or done the right thing or sounded smart enough. She'd always been a people pleaser, but now, she was tired of it.

She was tired of molding to others' opinions and always being what she thought everyone wanted her to be. She was tired of the constant worry, the constant second-guessing, the constant self doubt. She was stronger than that. So she made herself a vow.

She vowed that for once, she'd put herself first. She vowed she'd fight for her dreams in a way she'd never fought for them before. Because you know what? She deserved them. She'd been through so much and weathered so many storms- it was time for happiness. It was time for sunshine. It was time for beauty. It was her time to shine.

As she sat alone, with the knots of pain wounding tighter and tighter in her stomach, she vowed to let it go. She'd let it go and she'd embrace life. She'd embrace it fully and completely, and she'd live in a way she never had before.

That was the night her life changed.

💜You Are Beautiful💜

The things that make you beautiful are not your height, or the clothes you wear, or the way you get around.

You are beautiful because of the way you follow your heart so fearlessly and boldly.
You are beautiful because of the way you chase your dreams, no matter how big they are or how high the mountain is you must climb to reach them. You are beautiful because you are unafraid to climb that mountain, despite the fact that it is tall, and daunting, and so many people are telling you that you'll never reach its top. You are beautiful because you're strong and courageous.

You are strong because you've weathered the storms that surround you on your climb. Despite the fact that the wind is howling and you're trapped in the rain, you keep walking, you keep climbing, you keep going. You keep fighting for your dreams because you know they are worth it. You know you are worth it. You know this journey will only make you wiser and smarter, and you know one day you'll look back on it and realize it was this very climb that turned you into the person you're meant to be.

So when you look in the mirror and think you're not beautiful because of your hair or because of the clothes you wear or because of the way you get around, I want you to remember something: You are beautiful because you are who you are. You are beautiful because you are unafraid to be yourself, you're beautiful because you're unafraid to be different, and you're beautiful because you're unafraid to leave the beaten path and blaze your own. That's why you're beautiful. It has nothing to do with clothes, or hair, or anything else. You are beautiful because you are you, and you're never alone. Never.

💖A Letter to My Angel💖

💖Hi sweet Kate💖

Miss you so, so much. You have no idea how badly I wish I could wrap my arms around you and hug you so tightly. I miss your beautiful smile, your heart made of kindness, love, and gold, and the way you were always so positive about everything. I miss everything about you. So, so much.

How are you, sweet, beautiful girl? I picture you on horseback, riding down streets of gold and air peppered with light. I see your smile; in my mind, you're wearing that beautiful blue dress with the sparkly rhinestone top you wore the night we met. I hope you're happy. I hope you know how loved you are, and I hope you know you will never be forgotten.

You feel so far away, yet I know you're here. I feel your presence, so beautiful and strong. You were the beautiful butterfly on the door yesterday; you were the majestic eagle we saw on the lake at the beginning of the summer. You're the masterpiece that is the night sky; you're the light that shines from the stars, so bright. You're gone, but you're always here. Always in my heart. So far, yet so near.

Somehow I know it wasn't coincidence that I found the newspaper article about you yesterday as I cleaned my desk. (It looked like a hurricane hit it, I know.) It was one more way you were reaching out, hugging me, letting me know you're right here, right beside me. Thank you, sweet Kate. Your messages are beacons of light, vessels of beauty, and they both comfort me and make my day. ❤

I love you, Kate. I love you so much and you're always on my mind and forever in my heart.

Sending you a huge hug and all my love,
Robyn 💜

To Be Different is to Be Beautiful

I was scrolling through a document I created of all of the poems and writing prompts I’ve written on, and came across this poem I wrote last summer about how being different is beautiful, and wanted to share it with all of you.

I haven’t shared this too much on here, but for a long time, I was convinced that my cerebral palsy made me different in the worst way. I thought it made me strange; I thought it made me weird. I thought it meant there was something wrong with me. It took lots of love and encouragement from loved ones and faith in the Lord for me to finally change the way I thought, and this poem chronicles my journey from being insecure about being different to owning it, and seeing myself through God’s eyes. I hope you like it, and please let me know what you think in the comments! 😊

To Be Different is to Be Beautiful

To be different is to be beautiful;

To be unique is a gift

Being special means you can treat others in a special way,

To stand out is to ensure others’ memories of you will never fade

So embrace it

Forget the stares that follow you,

Force away the voices that lurk in the back of your mind

They’re wrong

You’re not weird,

You’re extraordinary

There’s nothing wrong with you,

You give off a light that shines as brightly as a ray of sunshine
Dance in it

Let your hair down,

Throw your hands in the air,

And let go

Dance as if your life depended on it

You’re free,

You’re strong,

You’re beautiful

So beautiful

So incredibly, breathtakingly beautiful

Friday’s WordPress Daily Prompt: Create

Earlier I posted yesterday’s Daily Prompt, and now I’m posting Friday’s. Better late than never, right? Friday’s daily prompt was Create, and I had to post about it because nothing makes me happier than creating something new.

One of the things most I love about creativity is that it can be taken in so many ways. Some people create breathtaking works of art, others are creative with their fashion, and then there are those who create through music. I’m most creative when I have a pen in my hand and a blank piece of paper in front of me.

I’ve always loved to write. That love first blossomed when I was in first grade, and my teacher would give us morning assignments to write stories. I loved them, and I soon figured out that with a pen in my hand, anything was possible.

I’ll never forget the first story I wrote. It was about a friendship between two horses. I still remember how excited I was that it was more than a page long, and I still remember that I wrote it in an Ariel notebook with an erasable pen. Even then I wound pieces of my own life into my writing: the horses were named after two of my friends. 

Now, eleven years later, much is still the same about the way I write. Writing still brings me a joy that nothing else does, and I’m still in love with the freedom I have when I’m sitting in front of a blank page. I love that when I write, I can do anything, I can be anything, and I can do anything. I can say what I wish I had the courage to say in person, or I can do something I’ve always dreamed of doing- I can walk, I can run, I can dance. When I write, my cerebral palsy isn’t an obstacle. With a pen in my hand, I can beat it. I can overcome the challenges I face every day; I can win the battle I fight with it. When I write, anything is possible.

My dream now is the same thing it was when I was six years old: become a published author. Though I still have a ways to go,  I’m a little closer now than I was then. Now, I’ve got an idea that I believe can actually be published, and it’s in the process of being written. And God has put people in my life that can help me accomplish that dream. I’m so grateful for their wisdom and help- because of them, in a better writer. Since then, I’ve actually been in a bestselling book- Tim Tebow shared my story in his latest book Shaken. He gave me a glimpse into the publishing process, and he showed me that if you trust God and work hard, no dream is impossible.
How do you like to be creative?

Daily Prompt: Blossom

I know this is a day late, but I wanted to respond to yesterday’s daily prompt:

Blossoming is growing,

It’s coming alive

It’s opening your wings,

And learning to fly

It’s following your heart

And being unafraid to let yourself fall apart
Remember this:

It’s okay to hurt,

It’s okay to burn

Because walking through the storm of pain

Will make you become clean again

It will make you stronger,

It will give you wisdom

It will make you see the world with new eyes,

And I hope

You’ll realize how beautiful you are
Because, my love,

You are beautiful

You are special

You are important

You have the ability

To do whatever you wish to do

You never know just how our Lord will use you
Remember this:

You are beautiful

You are special

You are more than enough

And you, my dear,

You are loved

You are loved more than you know

By your friends,

Your family,

And the one who created this beautiful Earth

He loves you

He cares so much for you

He loves you,

And you are His

Image via Google
via Daily Prompt: Blossom

I Just Wrote This…

I just wrote this and wanted to share it with you. The prompt is in bold, and my writing is in italics. Please let me know what you think in the comments!!

“With that, she walked into the rain and didn’t look back. That was the last time anyone saw her.”
She put her favorite baseball cap on her head, threw her backpack over her shoulder, and, while no one was watching, slipped out into the downpour, allowing the rain to wash over her and wash her old life away.

She needed to leave. She’d known that for a long time. Her dreams were big, so much bigger than that little town and the only home she’d ever known. She hadn’t wanted to leave it, but she knew if she didn’t, she would be stuck there, staring out the window and daydreaming, for the rest of her life.

She couldn’t do that. She couldn’t bear to just sit and watch her life go by; she knew life was a gift that ought not to be wasted. She had to use it; she had to grab it by its fingertips and go wherever it wanted to take her. The unknown didn’t scare her; it never had. What scared her was the thought of looking back at the end of her life and wishing she’d done something different, wishing she’d done something more.

So that day, with lamps dimly lighting the room and rain pouring down around her, she went, taking nothing more than the essentials and a few prized possessions. Where she’d go, she didn’t know, but she figured she’d figure it out as she went. She hopped on the next train, rode for a few days, and got off in San Francisco, where her entire life changed.

She chopped her hair off and dyed it- if she was going to start over, she may as well start fresh. So it was with a brunette bob and painted nails that she applied for her first job, and got it. She was a waitress, and made little more than minimum wage, but, she thought, it was enough for now. With her first pay check, she rented an apartment- it was small, but it would do. A few months later, she applied for college, and then applied for student loans to get her through. For the next four years, she spent long days in the classroom, at the library, and at the restaurant, alternately studying and working. She got her degree in event management; she’d always enjoyed working with people and planning things. She began to work during the day and plan events at night, and once she finished her degree, she began taking on events more regularly, until she had enough that she could quit her job at the restaurant and still live comfortably. She was happy, she was free, she felt…. alive. And then, she fell in love.

That changed everything. Suddenly, her life was filled with a light and a joy it had been devoid of for the last four years. She became less fiercely independent and more willing to be open, and when he proposed to her, she knew she had to do what she’d promised herself she’d never do: go back home.

It was on the drive back home, with wind blowing through her hair and her fiancee’s hand in hers that she realized something else: while you needed to follow your dreams and make your life your own, you also needed family. You needed a support system; you needed people you could rely on and trust to be there for you, no matter what happened. It was when she knocked on her mother’s door, and tears filled her mom’s eyes as her mother reached out to embrace her, she finally felt complete.

God is Stronger

God is stronger.

He is stronger than the fear that paralyzes you, so intense and real. Don’t look down, don’t be afraid. He’s with you. He’s got you.

He is stronger than your stress, the knots so tightly wound. Breathe in, breathe out. Everything will work out. Trust Him. He’s with you. He’s got you.

He is stronger than your pain, so crushing and heartbreaking. Lay it at His feet; give it to Him. He will use it for good; He cares about you and loves you more than you know. He’s with you. He’s got you.

He’s with you. He’s your light in the dark, your raft in the sea, your rock when your world has become a hurricane. He’s always with you, even when you can’t see Him and you think He’s abandoned you. He hasn’t. He’s there, holding you in the palm of His hand, carrying you through what you’re going through. He loves you more than you could ever know, and He will always be with you. Always.